hmmm first entry of the year... well... i'm going to have to make this quick, or else i'll be late for work again.

you told me last night that you got mixed emotions. but really, they're just mixed negative emotions. you said you felt used, unwanted, unimported, take for granted, etc. i used to think that the words were all just products of hormonal imbalance. but as time goes by, sometimes i can start feeling it myself. and i hate it. you can't even seem to tell why you're being treated like that. i can't even provide you with an answer myself. 

you won't even dare try to tell other people because you know you won't get the answer from them. let alone the fact that you know they wouldn't even listen. well maybe some would, but you're not at ease at telling them every single thing....you can tell me though. you've always been telling me these things. that's why i kind of know exactly what you're feeling.

but you know what? even if i can't help you all the time, i'm gonna have to make sure that you're not always so down. i guess i'm just gonna have to be the one to remind you of the other things you might end up disregarding, okay? i know you can't miss this special thing that you so love to do! i know we'll eventually find the answer to your questions. but in the meantime, we're gonna have to make sure we're in control of other things. and i will help you with that. 

God bless you!

hehehe sweet nya no? o, nagugulat ka naman? or kinikilig? hahahahaha pero in fairness kakaiba nanaman ung feeling no? she's been calling you everynight again, getting a little more sweet towards you, and now that she's in the province for the holidays, she's been calling you more often than expected.  i think it's a little bit scary, don't you think? before you know it, you both might just end up being like how you were before.

but i like what i'm hearing when you girls are talking. you always seem to laugh your head off. and everytime i hear that, i know you're talking to her. and i love it. you talk as if you've known each other for years and are really good friends. maybe that's why she always seems to look forward to chatting with you. like how she puts it, there's no dull moment with you. ;-D but careful, ok? dahan-dahan lang. it's good that you've already gotten the hang of not texting her during the day time, and just letting her be the one to get in touch with you at night. 

hey, isn't last weekend the very first weekend that you didn't see each other?! and it's just coz of the holidays, and you had no reason to be out so she couldn't ask you to meet up with her. but she said, she would have asked for a meet up if only you were in QC last saturday. she said she wanted you to see her new hair....DUH!! cheeeyaaaah!!! LOL

nov 4th was the first time you met in person, and since then, you've been meeting up every weekend....that's like for 7 weekends straight and.... "more" :-p

hay nako! ano ba to...i shouldn't even be talking to you about her like this. basta, you stay put and chill, ayt? you're doing just fine. it's nice that you're both good "friends".

sorry, can't stay long.....i'm going out with my family in a bit...

MERRY CHRISTMAS TO YOU AND TO THE READERS OF THIS BLOG. it's been very nice to have people who give time to know about what's going on w/ me :-D

*merry christmas to her too*

sometimes, the person who did the most damage to you would be the only person you would go out on a limb for. funny, huh? could it be because of the thrill of having to constantly expect pain, which makes happy times much better? or because you've never met anyone who you would actually have to run after just so she could be with you...or be yours?

i'm sure some people who fall under this category have already thought about the consequences.  but do they actually know if they'll eventually be happy once they make this other person forever theirs? do they actually know how long they can stand the pain? or even, do they really want to spend their lives loving someone who hardly even gives anything good in return even if they know they're much better off with other people and just brush off the chance of receiving the blessing of being with someone who will definitely make them happy?

crazy!

as for me, i've done alot of silly things when it comes to my love life. i've experienced being used by someone whom i thought loved me. i've been taken advantage of, then just sought after when it was finally over. i've experienced running after someone for so long that i never realized i was already actually wasting so much of my time. i've also given in to loving someone who was already taken and sort of became the "other girl".

but one thing i'm proud of is the fact that i've eventually learned when and how to stop. i found the one thing that would make me happy for the rest of my life. this love for myself is the one thing that helped the greatest in maintaining my self-esteem. i promised myself not to let anything get in the way with it because once i let it slip, i know i'll forever regret it. and yes, falling in love is no exception. :) if falling in love with a certain person would stop me from doing this thing that i love most, this is when i start to take a leap back and look at the situation i'm in. if it clashes, then the person has to go. :-)

but of course, sometimes the mere fact that i'd have to drag myself throughout the day everday would be enough to make me think things over. when i'm affected, i really am. and before the infection spreads to my family, friends, work, etc, i try my very best to make the wisest choice right away. i don't like carrying anything heavy in me. it's too depressing. IT'S SUCH A WASTE OF TIME. i want to grow old saying that i've spent my life doing what i love and anything that made me happy. not everyone gets that chance to say that.......

it's never to late though..but it's not too early either.

eto na un ah! eto na ung sign na hinihingi mo di ba? so how do you feel? yeah, stupid question. of course you feel terrible. so terrible, you just ended up staring into space while you were on your way home from her house.

but i like the way you got up and walked away after sensing something different with her. no one had to drag you out of her bed to get up and get ready to head home. you did it all yourself. you were suprised and sad at the same time when you first felt something was wrong. she talked the same way, laughed the same way, yet she acted differently towards you.

and then you decided to do the same.

you barely touched her.

it was quite a miracle that you didn't cry. but i could feel it from your insides. it was all too thick to be unnoticed. gawd...you love her already. this is the first time you fell in love with someone without actually saying it, even to yourself!

so ano, kaya mo pa ba? kaya mo yan..... in fairness, she actually did something for you. i'm sure she was just doing this for your own good. to help you. she said, it wasn't going to be easy for her either, right? it's just a start. you'll get to where you want to be someday. :-)

remember, she was never yours in the first place. and if she really chose you, she would've done it a long time ago. and besides, you asked for this, right? you kept praying for a sign that would let you know what to do with your situation. you even asked God constantly for help. and i think this is it. 

do you think you love her? you used to tell her that quite a few times, remember? but when she confirmed that she and her girl are still together, that's when you decided to hold yourself back. you stopped doing most of the things you did when you still didn't know about her relationship. it was a good start. but she still wanted to be in touch with you. you couldn't completely keep away from her...because she's already somehow become your weakness. but since you have already accepted and set your mind to believing that she and you have no chances to be "together", being close to her again was easier to bear even if you know she still loves her gf and she can't let go of her. 

this was the answer to your super mind-boggling question: Why does it seem that she likes you very much, but she just doesn't seem to have any plans of taking things to the next level?

let's fast forward to present......

she and you have still been seeing each other and talking....and even feeling closer  than ever before. how are you doing now?

i noticed that you still feel pain whenever her gf is brought into the picture. you feel like it's nothing to you and that it's something that shouldn't even bother you at all. but sometimes, as much as you try to deny it, you still get hurt. you deny it because you have long ago accepted that fact that she may never have any plans of starting anything with you. and again, at the same time, you just can't help but cross the almost invisible line between love and frienship with her. this "combination" has helped you keep your sanity, but it hasn't prevented you from letting your feelings for her stay...or worse.......grow. 

what are you planning to do now? maybe nothing? just imagining having to cut all forms of communication with her just seems too lonely, huh? so what are you gonna do? you actually even met the girlfriend already! and yes i know...it almost killed you.

from a stranger's point of view, what you're doing is complete foolishness and that you should automatically get rid of this girl.  from your point of view, it's just too difficult to completely stay away from the person who makes you laugh, keeps you company at night, and somehow makes you feel special. 

Lord, a little help here please?

frustration, sadness, love, friendship, jealousy, pain, doubt....all that and throw in a whole bunch of nostalgia..... now you have the perfect rut to be in for the holidays. :-(

one thing you can do though...talk to God. you;ll be surprised at what He would actually do!

when you say being taken advantage of....... what does this really mean? the first example that comes into my mind would be: Miss Extremely Heart-broken encounters Mr Somebody who has always had a thing for this currently weak one. this somebody sees the situation as an opportunity to be the "hero" by being always there and giving "weak person" the impression that he is definitely the one to the rescue. but although Somebody might really be determined in getting "weak person" for himself, not all his actions are sincere and not all his words are true. he even does some brainwashing for Miss Extremely Heart-broken instead of helping her see things in a better way.

and then again,,,,this is just what comes into MY mind.

but when you are the one to encounter a potential "weak person", how do you know when you should go right in for the kill or just let things fall into place by themselves? you meet somebody who seems to be not in good terms with the girlfriend...and at the same time, you and this person seem to have such a good time whenever you're together. and then you surprisingly find yourself attached to this person and realized that you're already in too deep to just jump out. at the back of your mind, you know you can be a much better girlfriend in your own way and that you wouldn't have as much problems, let alone not even having the same problems. the only thing that's holding you back is that this person claims to love the girlfriend and that you might just be risking your heart if you try to ......ummm....let's say... win this person!

come to think of it, being in this situation is already an effin killer. might as well jump right in and hope for the positive result, right? at least you're grabbing the chance to actually get yourself out of the "rut". if you become unsuccessful, then the feeling just wouldn't be such a new thing to you by that time. but if you eventually get to win her over, then CONGRATULATIONS my friend. ;)

just make sure you aren't taking advantage of this person's situation. making the person feel used or taken advantage of should be the last thing you want to do. just be sincere... be true... be the typical buddy (not friend, as it connotes several hidden agendas), have fun, make the person feel comfortable w/ himself/herself in your prescence, be the better company...... something like that. and avoid brainwashing. you're in no position to alter their mindsets/perceptions about their current situation. being sincere and neutral at the same time will keep you from being the "thief", mang-aagaw, or whatever you call it in the end.

simple? nah........

it"s scary.......

but then again, you're already there...already involved..... so go ahead and make good use of your time. don't be the situation's prey. be the predator.

another important tip: keep the Lord close while you're at it. He'll help maintain your so-called sanity from start to finish.